Brother Sexually Assaulted Me Daily – Survivor Speaks Out

This might be long and messy, so just bear with me.

I turned 17 a few days ago. I do believe I was around 8-9, and he was 18-19 (10 years older than me). And I remember one scene so clearly. Him, on me, asking me if I liked it. It didn’t, but he was my brother, and I was so young, so what could I say? There’s one other thing. While he was assaulting me in my room, he’d call my older sister from downstairs and tell her to get his charger and put it in front of the door. That’s when I put two and two together and figured he used to do the same thing to her because he’d ask me to do the exact same thing when they were locked in his room, and I was the one downstairs. (We three shared a room.) He stopped when I was 10 and we never talked about it ever again. But I became hypersexual. Using my body to get what I wanted, watching shit I shouldn’t be watching, getting assaulted by other relatives- too much of them. And I was only 15 when I realized that it was so wrong. That I had been a victim, that he’d ruined my life, that I wouldn’t be able to practice my religion properly because of my urges (yes, from a really religious family) when that’s all I’ve wanted. Now, he’s got a double diploma, away in Canada for a few months, and it’s the first time I’ve been able to breathe without him near me. I’ve never been able to get close to him. I’ve always had this fear of him doing the same thing to my little sister. And although we don’t talk much, and that it’s been years since it happened, I always think about it when we’re left alone. I’m scared of the way his gaze lingers on me like he’s eating me whole once again. And I hate him because while he’s the prodigy, I’m the black sheep of the family. We both know why and it’s never gonna get out. I think about it all the time. Every night, everytime I hear his name I think about it and it’s been haunting me. But I don’t want to ruin his life or my family’s by saying anything. Or mine.