The Original Post
42M, married to 41F, two kids (7 months and 2.5 years). My wife recently booked couples therapy for “communication issues.” I agreed, but I’m honestly deeply dreading it.
We don’t fight often, but when we do it tends to spiral into resentment and long-standing grievances from 10–15 years ago. Money is tight, intimacy is low, and we’re both exhausted. My wife has been unemployed for about a year. I work a high-pressure, extremely competitive job (~55 hours/week), and changing jobs would mostly feel like changing seats on the Titanic.
I handle most of the finances and house administration, at least 50% of the cleaning, and I intentionally take on a large share of childcare (lunches, diapers, laundry, bedtimes, activities) because being a present, involved dad and modeling spousal equality really matters to me. I’m very involved at home, but I’m completely burned out. My wife handles some cleaning, all groceries and most cooking and her 40-60% split of kids care.
What scares me is going into therapy already at my limit and being told I need to “do more” or just “show up differently” when I honestly don’t have anything left. I want a healthy marriage and I’m willing to listen, but right now I’m exhausted, emotional, and afraid this will turn into a list of grievances when I was hoping for some breathing room over the holidays… I’m suffocatingly overwhelmed, entertaining some pretty dark thoughts, and I feel shut down. I’m between therapists, but I’ve never found individual therapy very useful.
If the therapist asks, “Why are you here?” I don’t even know how to answer – this wasn’t my push, and I struggle to articulate my thoughts when I’m overwhelmed. There’s also a part of me that thinks that divorce is easier, though I couldn’t stand to be apart from my kids. I’m also having a huge internal adult temper tantrum over this and that’s not how I would want to show up to this meeting today…
For those who’ve been there:
1) Is it okay to say upfront that I’m burned out and afraid of being asked to do more?
2) How do you make couples therapy constructive instead of draining?
3) Did therapy help when you were already at your limit?
Appreciate any perspective.
What Reddit Said
Redditors overwhelmingly supported this exhausted father’s concerns. Most emphasized that good couples therapy shouldn’t pile more responsibilities onto someone already drowning. Instead, they urged him to be brutally honest about his mental state.
The top advice was clear: tell the therapist everything he wrote in his post. Users pointed out that hiding his burnout would be counterproductive. Meanwhile, many reassured him that quality therapists focus on finding solutions, not assigning blame.
However, some Redditors noted red flags about the relationship dynamic. They questioned why an unemployed partner would book therapy instead of addressing the obvious workload imbalance first.
The Verdict
Reddit’s consensus was unanimous: this burned out dad couples therapy situation requires complete honesty from day one. The community strongly advised him to voice his fears about being asked to do more when he’s already maxed out. This represents a common pattern in relationship advice where one partner carries an unsustainable load while the other demands emotional labor through family drama.
Original post from r/relationship_advice (1,019 upvotes, 305 comments)