Childfree Friend Refuses Child at Adult-Only Party Drama

Background: My husband (35M) and I (30F) are staunchly childfree. However, we are not child haters. I work with children who have mental health needs and we spend time most months with our nieces and nephews (ages 1-8, both blood and chosen family).

I’ve hosted an annual Galentine’s event since 2018 and historically this event has been adults only. The date was selected back in December for late February. The following text exchange happened this week:

Friend: “I may need to bring my one-year-old. Does that ruin the vibe? Husband works and my mom is going to have my other two, but leaving one-year-old with her makes me nervous since he requires a lot more attention.”

Side note: her other two children are elementary aged.

Me: “Oh, this is a tough situation. I wouldn’t say bringing one-year-old would ruin the vibe, but it does change the vibe. Since people said yes knowing it was a kid free event, I don’t feel like it’s fair to change it.”

Friend: “I guess I didn’t realize this was a kid free event, since other friend and I have always brought our kiddos when they’re still little and/or nursing. But no worries! If by next weekend I still don’t feel comfortable leaving him with my mom I’ll just have to miss it. Not a big deal.”

Side note: two exceptions have been made over eight years for young babies (under 6 months) who are exclusively nursing. The child in question is one and is walking and eating solids, nurses for comfort.

Me: “I do think there’s a difference in a babe in arms who is solely breastfeeding and a 1-year-old who requires a lot more stimulation and attention. But ultimately, you have to do what’s best for you and your kids. If you don’t feel comfortable, I fully understand! And I’m sorry for the miscommunication.”

She didn’t respond to the last text and truthfully, I feel like she put me in an unfair position.

Although I am childfree, I do feel like I do a lot for the people in my life with kids. I set up savings accounts for the kids when they’re born to gift when they turn 18. For the first year of their kids lives, I send them a pack of diapers and a book monthly. I now live about 90 minutes from my hometown and it’s about 70/30 that I come to them to hang out, since traveling with kids is more of a challenge. I help prep and set up for every birthday party. For birthdays and holidays, I gift experiences and take the kids to places like Disney on Ice, the zoo, winter light shows, etc.

I don’t feel like it’s unreasonable to host a childfree event, but I also try really hard not to be the friend to leave out their friends with kids. Am I the asshole for setting a firm expectation for this specific event?

Edited to add a few additional details:

I didn’t mean to gloss over that one of the exceptions previously made was for her. It was seven years ago for her oldest, about five months old at the time. She never asked or brought her middle child. It’s a small event, only six of us. Only one other person at the event has a child (toddler) and she has secured childcare.

I appreciate all the perspectives! General consensus is that the last text was too much. She and I have been friends since middle school and have been through many ups and downs together. She means a lot to me, so I’m going reach out to her later today to apologize for how I ended the conversation ❤️