I hooked up with a girl at a new year’s eve party last year. It was one of those spur of the moment sexual encounters that happen when alcohol is involved. We never saw each other again afterwards. Cut to yesterday. My friend sent me a TikTok video of the new year’s eve girl. She was on stage somewhere doing stand-up. My friend wanted me to confirm if that was the NYE girl who had sex with me. I said yes. My friend sent me a million laughing emojis and reaction gifs before telling me to skip to the 4 minute mark. The video was like 9 minutes long. At the 4 minute mark, NYE girl said her 2026 started with a bang. An unsatisfying but mildly entertaining bang. She said she hooked up with a guy who should never be allowed near another naked woman again because of the following:

1. He repeatedly cleared his throat every time he talked dirty, like, “UH-HUM… do you like that dick?”

2. He extended his arms in a T shape during doggy because apparently that stopped him from cumming in that position.

3. He farted in silence during foreplay and thought vaping over the smell was a subtle way of getting away with it.

4. He said he was gonna cum “next year”, which might have been funny if he didn’t clear his fucking throat again.

5. He grabbed the lamp on the bedside table and made shadow figures appear on her body while she was riding. She did remind the audience I was very drunk, but still.

The NYE girl was definitely talking about me lol. My friends have been roasting ever since.

Tl:dr Hooked up with a girl on new year’s eve. Sex was disappointing I guess. Found out yesterday she’s a comedian and there’s a TikTok video of her roasting me on stage.