I (30F) had a best friend of 20 years. We basically grew up together. She was the person I told everything to, the one constant in my life. She had a boyfriend (38M) that she was with for about 5 years. About 3 years into their relationship, I realized I had feelings for him. I hated myself for it. I never acted on it, never flirted, never crossed any lines. I didn’t even tell anyone. I just pushed it down and tried to ignore it because I loved my best friend more than anything and I knew nothing could ever happen.

Then she died a couple of years ago, very suddenly. I completely fell apart. I was depressed for a long time and honestly I don’t remember a lot from that period. Her boyfriend and I stayed in touch during the first year after her death, but it was very on and off. Mostly just checking in on each other, asking how we were holding up, sometimes talking about her. It was sad and heavy but also kind of comforting to talk to someone who loved her as much as I did. The year after that, I moved to Europe for work. We barely talked after that. Life just… kept moving I guess.

A few months ago, I went back home for a holiday and ran into him at a mutual friend’s party. I didn’t expect anything from it, but we ended up talking the whole night. We caught up, laughed, talked about her, talked about life. It felt really natural. At the end of the night, he asked me out. I said yes, even though I felt sick to my stomach about it.

Now we’re dating and I’m so conflicted all the time. On one hand, I care about him a lot and being with him feels easy and right in a way I didn’t expect. On the other hand, I feel like I’m doing something wrong. Like I’m betraying her memory or breaking some unspoken rule. I keep asking myself if this is messed up. If I’m a terrible person for being happy with him. If my best friend would hate me for this, even though she’s gone. I loved her so much and I would have never, ever done this while she was alive.

Sometimes I think I deserve to be alone because of this. Other times I think life is already cruel enough and maybe this is just something complicated that happened after a lot of loss. I don’t really know what I’m looking for here tbh. I just needed to get this off my chest because I can’t talk to anyone about it without feeling judged.