Father Wishes Disabled Daughter Had Died in Accident

4 years ago my now 16 year old daughter was in a car accident, with one of her friend’s mom and she broke her neck, now she’s completely paralysed from the waist down and her left arm, she basically can only use her right hand, it destroys me every single day to just look at her. I love her so much and it pains me because she cries about her situation every single time, and every single time she cries I feel like someone is grabbing my damn heart and pulling it out of my chest.

Every single day I help her get around, I put her in bed and I take her out and I even shower her sometimes when my wife isn’t around and I dress her up and do her hair and makeup and everything, I never complain about it because she’s my baby and I’ll keep helping her till I physically can’t anymore.

But it just kills me to think about if I’m gone what will happen, because I have many health issues of my own, heart problems run in my family and men usually don’t make it far past 50 in my family, both my dad and grandpa died in their 50’s and my oldest brother died last year of cancer at 56, and I might very well be next, I’m 48 now. And honestly I’m fucking terrified of leaving her alone.

She’s my youngest kid, I have 3 other kids and everyone of them has their own thing going on, and taking care of a disabled person is a huge responsibility even if you love them very much, and they have all already told me they won’t look after her like I do when we’re gone, they’re just gonna put her in some care facility, I don’t blame them but I hate that so much, nobody is gonna love and care for her like me and my wife do, and I don’t think any man would be interested in her even though she’s a wonderful person.

I feel like a damn bastard for this but sometimes I wish she just passed that day, atleast then she wouldn’t have lived this hell, it’d have been hell for me but atleast she wouldn’t have suffered like this. No parent ever wants to outlive his child and I feel like the worst piece of shit for this but I wouldn’t mind outliving her, atleast I’d know she was finally at peace and I wouldn’t die while wondering what will happen with her.

I hate myself so much for these thoughts but they’re just not going away especially with all my health issues, I’m in pain most of the time, all my test results are bad and I’m just tired and I’m terrified for her not of dying itself.