I need an outside perspective. We’ve been married 27 years, to help as you wade through this.

Let me start by saying I (F53) don’t have a relationship with my husband’s (M62) brother (M61) and haven’t spoken to him since we moved 1000+ away 15 years ago. Back then, he was a drunk who never took accountability for the vicious things he said and did, and never expressed a crumb of gratitude for anything anyone did for him. He and my husband have rekindled their sibling relationship. I’m an only child, so I don’t claim to understand that kind of thing in any way. So I stay out of it, it’s not my business, and he talks to his brother when he talks to him, and I have no input or interest in any of it. But this brother has no concerns if I’m alive or dead. I mean less than nothing to this man.

So, I lost my father (M81) last week, on Monday. Friday, I went with my mother to pick up his ashes at the funeral home. So, Dad had been gone for five days at that point, and as I picked him up in that little box, I happened to see a big, black chimney on the property, and I realized that was the building where they did cremations. And suddenly, it all was so REAL in that moment. It all hit me at once. I get home, and I allow myself 15 minutes of falling apart in my living room, in the privacy of my own home that I work to pay for just as much as Husband does.

Husband doesn’t comfort me in any way.

But I still have responsibilities, right? I get myself together, and I leash up my dogs to take them out. As I return home, I take their walkies stuff off and take them into the kitchen to feed them. That’s when I hear Husband in his office, talking on the phone to his brother. He says, “This is the first effect I’ve seen since he died.” And on the speaker phone, I hear his brother say, “Well, she’s just going to have to accept reality.” Again, it’s been FIVE days.

I felt so betrayed. It’s ok to talk ABOUT me to someone who doesn’t care if I even exist, but not TO me about what I might be going through? They sounded like the old men hecklers on the Muppet Shows, sitting up there in the balcony and judging everything. Why is my grief over my father up for discussion with HIS brother? Don’t I have a right to privacy in my own home? So I ask him, wtf, dude? And instead of trying to understand where I’m coming from, he doubles down and insists he did nothing wrong, and he can betray all the things I tell him in confidence any time he wants. I told him how I feel about ANYTHING isn’t his brother’s business, and my grief isn’t either of their concern. Sit in there and talk amongst yourselves then, but don’t be surprised when I never tell you anything ever again. Why is THIS such a big deal, he asks, and not all the other things I’ve told him??? Wait, what??? You told him OTHER things??? You’ve talked about me with someone who hates me BEFORE???? I’m just so hurt, and I feel so betrayed. I’m a private person, and I would NEVER talk about my husband to my family behind his back like that. I don’t feel safe with him anymore.

Over the weekend, we tried to talk about it again. And all he does is get defensive and tries to make these crazy statements like, “So that’s it, then? This marriage is over?” And, “So, since you hate me, I can just do whatever I want now?” Like, what? But his position remains unchanged. He did nothing wrong. Won’t back down enough to even meet me in the middle.

We’ve been married 27 years. I no longer feel safe or respected. I honestly don’t know where to go from here. Be married to your brother, then, if that’s the way you feel. But leave me alone.

After all this, yesterday afternoon, I was changing the sheets on the bed, and he walked up behind me and grabbed me in the most vulgar way. HOW did he think that was ok after all THAT??? And I said, “What are you doing? DO NOT DO THAT. Don’t touch me.” And of course, he got all pissy and defensive again and stormed out of the house and spent the rest of the day in his shop. Fine with me. I just feel so gross and betrayed and disrespected. I’m not something for them to dissect to determine if I’m grieving ‘correctly.’

TLDR: I feel betrayed by my husband and like there is no middle ground until my husband can at least admit that talking about me behind my back was wrong, especially with a man who doesn’t care about me in ANY way. And I don’t know how to move forward.