Husband Wants Wife Horny All Time, Gets Mad at Honest Answer
The Original Post
Husband (40M) and I (33F) (married 10 years) had a long talk last week regarding his grievances and what I could do better as a wife. He says he doesn’t feel desired, he dislikes that he always has to initiate, dislikes that I’m only horny two out of 4 weeks out of the month (ovulation & PMS), etc.
I explained that I do desire him, I enjoy our sex life (literally, he’s the only man who could give me an O, he knows this), but my libido is directly connected to my mood/stress/hormone levels, so yes; sometimes I’m not really into having sex
\*\*BUT\*\* I do it anyway because 1. I do care about his needs. 2. I end up enjoying myself, it’s not like it’s a drag to have sex with him, and I’m usually happy that we did it. So, no, sex isn’t usually a big “need” for me like it is for him, but I don’t \*need\* to be horny to make it happen for him/us. I will usually only say no if I’m sick, hurt, or utterly exhausted.
He was very disappointed and hurt to hear me say that. I tried to explain it this way; “I might not be hungry, but if someone offered me a donut I’ll still take it. Why not? What harm would it do? It’ll still tastes good even if I’m not particularly hungry.”
That made it worse.
I told him I’m not sure what he wants to hear. If he wants a woman who is horny on a constant basis, that’s just not realistic. But he isn’t being denied or neglected. I’m still happy to facilitate his needs (and no, I don’t just ‘starfish’ or act bored during). I told him I’m happy to initiate more, even if I’m not horny myself, clearly he needs to feel pursued, so I can do that too. I’ll add it to the list of things I need to improve moving forward.
But no, he wants me to WANT it for myself. He wants me lusty and flirty. He was pissy last night because I didn’t \*\*talk\*\* about wanting sex, so he decided not to bring it up at all because “I don’t want to be the donut.”
Idk what to do anymore aside from brushing up on my acting skills. I cannot help that I’m not thinking about dick all day long but I’ll just fake it til I make it I guess.
What Reddit Said
Reddit overwhelmingly supported the wife’s perspective. Many commenters, particularly women, shared similar experiences with responsive desire versus spontaneous desire. However, they also acknowledged the husband’s need to feel desired wasn’t entirely unreasonable.
The top comments focused on education rather than blame. Redditors explained that responsive desire is completely normal for many women. Moreover, they warned that pressuring a partner to perform desire on demand often backfires spectacularly.
Most users strongly recommended couples therapy. In fact, several shared their own stories of how this exact dynamic damaged their relationships when left unaddressed. Therefore, the consensus was clear: this needs professional help before resentment builds.
The Verdict
Reddit’s verdict: NAH (No Assholes Here), but with urgent recommendations for therapy. This situation perfectly illustrates the difference between spontaneous and responsive desire. While the husband wants wife horny all time isn’t realistic, his need to feel desired is valid. This is classic relationship advice territory that requires professional guidance to prevent long-term damage to their marriage problems.
Original post from r/relationship_advice (1,291 upvotes, 740 comments)