The Original Post
Hey guys. I didn’t expect this many replies. I am trying my best to reply back but it’s kinda hard since English isn’t my first language and I’m new to Reddit system. But I’ll try my best to reply back even if it takes time. Thank you so much for various opinions.
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Hi. I live in East Asia and this is my first time writing in Reddit. I yelled at my mom today and I want to know if I am the asshole for doing this.
I have been the only child since my brother passed away of disease about 30 years ago. I (38f) live with my parents (in their 70s) and one elderly cat (17m). The family cat is having serious aging problems requiring meds and fluids everyday, which I am the only one who can give these to him since my parents are somehow scared to do so. This is the biggest reason that I live with my parents and they know it.
My mom can’t hold her tears just thinking about my old brother till this day and I always supported her. For long as I remember, our family is in forever grief mode. We never openly talk about my brother, and it is considered a taboo to watch any media that presents children in serious disabilities or disease, like my brother.
However, about 4 years ago my narcissistic grandfather (99m) blamed my mom by talking about how our family doesn’t have a son, which is very male-centered mind of our culture. There was a huge family drama after this incident, and my mom declared that she’ll never visit him again. My dad did nothing but yelled at her to apologize to his father. Because I was always on her side when my parents had a fight, I told her to divorce my dad so many times. But it never happened so I gave up. This actually worsened my 20 years of depression a lot.
Last week, my aunt’s grandson had a first birthday party and aunt didn’t invite my mom in purpose for her father’s revenge. My mom decided to confront her via email. Today, during writing and sending the email, she was sobbing the whole time in the thought of my deceased brother. I was so stressed, but tried hard not to touch this immense sadness filling the house.
Suddenly she told me that if there’s a second life, she wishes my brother to be her baby again, sobbing. I think that was my last straw. I couldn’t resist anymore and yelled at my mom for not getting over the death of my brother. I then said, though I understand how that kind of loss cannot be healed forever, I am literally sick and tired of watching her being sad over him till now. She got immediately offended and yelled at me “if you don’t to hear it, get out of my house”. And she went to her room and slammed the door, started crying out loud like it’s end of the world.
I said nothing after this but she told everything to my dad saying how sensitive and aggressive I was to her. I bursted into tears being hurt, but also feeling guilty and horrible for saying those words to her. I wanted to hold back but I couldn’t. I was literally suffocating in stress. Am I the asshole?
What Reddit Said
Reddit’s response was overwhelmingly sympathetic to both parties involved. Most users recognized this as a deeply tragic situation where decades of unprocessed grief had consumed an entire family. However, they also acknowledged the daughter’s breaking point was understandable after living in perpetual mourning for three decades.
The top comments focused on the lack of mental health support and therapy in the family’s culture. Moreover, Redditors pointed out how the extended family’s cruelty and the father’s lack of support had likely worsened the mother’s inability to heal. In fact, many noted that the daughter herself had suffered from being the “replacement child” in a house frozen in time.
The Verdict
The overwhelming consensus was No Assholes Here (NAH), except for the toxic extended family members. This case of a mother grieving deceased child 30 years later resonated deeply with Reddit users who understood both perspectives. The real villains were identified as the narcissistic grandfather and unsupportive relatives who weaponized grief. This is a classic example of family conflict where professional help is desperately needed for mental health healing.
Original post from r/AmItheAsshole (1,399 upvotes, 240 comments)