My sister asked me if I was willing to pick up her son from school because she was not feeling well. I said yes. My sister warned me that her son’s been in a bad mood for the past couple of days, so she was expecting me to be an adult who knew how to handle a moody 12 year old. I encouraged her to focus on getting better because her son was in good hands. Cut to my nephew getting in my car and asking me who the girl was in my IG post. I was like “hello to you too little man” before telling him the girl was my friend. He asked if I was gonna make my friend pregnant. I said that was an inappropriate question to ask someone and then I attempted to explain why, but I noticed he was scrolling through my friend’s IG profile while I was talking to him.

I asked him if his mom allowed him to use social media. He said his mom allowed him to do anything when she’s sick. I said kids his age should not be looking at girls online. He asked if I never looked at girls when I was his age. I had no grown up response to that question, so I skipped over my answer and encouraged him to take care of his mom when she’s sick instead of taking advantage of the situation. He said his mom wasn’t really sick. She apparently “hurt her butt.” He laughed as he described how funny it was to watch her walk. I asked how did she hurt her butt. He shrugged and said I should ask my dad because she’s mad at him for it.

While I was absorbing that information, I noticed he was tapping the like button on almost all my friend’s posts. I asked him to please stop looking at my friend’s content. He asked if I was jealous. I said I was uncomfortable, not jealous. He said I was uncomfortable because I was jealous. I said I was gonna tell his mom if he continued to do what he was doing. He said I could, but then he’ll tell his mom that I said another man was his real father. I looked at him like WTF. He said the next time I pick him up from school, I should come with my friend. I said that was never gonna happen. He said it might happen because he just sent my friend a message to ask if she was interested in joining us.

I thought he was joking until he showed me the DM, which included a picture of the two of us to prove we’re family. But it got worse, his message also added that I would love to “slow dance” with her on Valentine’s Day. Needless to say, I was happy as fuck when I handed him over to his mom, even though I struggled to actually look at my sister without being bombarded by images of her getting her ass destroyed by her husband. Fml.

Tl;dr Agreed to pick up my sister’s son from school. He turned out to be a cunning little creature that thrived on making me feel as uncomfortable as possible.